Creating the Space to Respond Instead of React in Relationships

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” —Viktor Frankl

If I was to succinctly sum up (not always my strong suit!) the overarching goal in most of my work with clients (and in my own personal growth work!), it would be this quote. For most of us, the moments we often regret most happen when there is no space between something happening and our reactions. Yelling at our kids. Snapping at our partner. Saying yes when we really wanted to say no. These responses don’t usually come when we are in our most intentional, wisest brain. They usually come as knee-jerk reactions, especially when we are stressed or emotionally overloaded. This space between something happening and our reaction can feel especially tight when something reminds us of a past painful experience.

The good news is - with intentional practice and support, we can absolutely widen that space and show up more fully in the ways that we want to in our relationships.

Letting Values Lead the Way

Often one of the first places I go in my work with clients is clarifying values. Values serve as a compass of sorts, helping us to get our bearings and focus in on where we are hoping to go in our relationships. By getting clearer about our values, we can start to track both the times that we are acting in alignment with those values, giving us valuable information about what is working well, as well as the times that that space feels tight and we are acting outside of our values, helping us to start noticing what is getting in our way.

One point I like to make clear when talking about values – living in line with values 100% is aspirational, not the reality for any of us. In other words, screwing up comes with the territory of being human – something I think is important to name and normalize because our pesky inner-critics don’t need any more ammo to use against us.

While values don’t necessarily widen the space between trigger and response on their own, they can help us to gain the perspective and motivation to do so. For example, when I highly value honesty, but my actions are sending the message that I can’t handle my partner’s honesty, by naming this incongruence, I can bring some curiosity about why I am showing up in this way and start looking at ways that I can widen that space to allow myself time and energy to take actions that are more fully value-aligned.

Creating the Space to Take Value-Driven Steps in Relationships

With values in mind, now I have an idea of how I want to show up in relationships and why, I can work on creating the space to respond with intention.

Inserting another little normalizing disclaimer here – this process takes time. Give yourself some patience and grace as you take steps, make progress, slip up, try again, etc. That’s all a normal part of the process. With that said, here are a few ideas of ways that you can work on creating a bit more space to show up in the ways you want to:

1.      Practice Self-Reflection

Allow yourself regular time to get curious about your responses without judgment. Start to track if there are any patterns. When are you stepping outside of your values? When are you feeling most aligned? Any time we are working on change, it is just as important to notice the areas of growth, progress and strength as it is to notice the areas that we want to improve. Are there certain emotions that are easier or more difficult for you to respond to in others? Do you notice certain conversations that make you either want to shut down or get louder and more driven to persuade someone else of your perspective? Are you noticing yourself reacting to certain types of body language, facial expressions, or tones? Bringing curiosity instead of judgment or certainty can often create a bit more space, allowing new options to start to emerge.

2.      Relax Your Body

In addition to taking up space in our thoughts, stress is also often accompanied and fed by constriction and tightness in our body. Another way to work on creating more space for value-aligned responses, is by allowing spaciousness and looseness to come into your body. Take some pauses throughout the day to just do a quick scan of your body to notice if there are areas where you are holding tension and clenching muscles (the jaw and shoulders are big ones for me!). See if you can just gently relax those muscles and notice the effect that has on you. The more you practice bringing awareness to the body, the more readily you’ll be able to notice when you might need to relax your muscles to create a sense of more spaciousness in your body.

3.      Practice self-compassion

When we notice that we have slipped outside of our values (again, totally normal – we’re all humans here), it can be easy for critical thoughts to dominate our internal dialogue. By remembering that we are learning and growing, we can start to create space by loosening the rigid expectations that can often be paralyzing. One simple practice that can help introduce some self-compassion is thinking about what advice you might give to a friend going through something similar. We often have much loftier expectations and a much lower threshold for making mistakes for ourselves than we do for close friends, so this shift in perspective can often help us to see things in a new light.

Putting It into Practice

These are just a few of many ways that you can work on creating more space in your life. Just like anything else, it takes practice, patience, slipping up, regrouping and repairing to more fully step into your values and show up in the ways that you want to in relationships. By regularly reflecting, relaxing your body, and showing up with self-compassion, you’ll grow in your ability to respond rather than react.

If you feel like having some more support to work on creating that space would be helpful, feel free to reach out and we can talk about how relationship therapy might help you to reach your goals.